I’ve had the words, ‘I’m not sure if this is consensual’ go through my head a lot lately, starting with finding out that there’s a tiny penis growing inside of me. (I’m not sure if that should be weirder than a tiny vagina, or the fact that a baby girl has all the eggs she ever will while still in utero, but it is.) Then I have to remind myself that it must be since I consented to getting pregnant in the first place.

The whole process of reproduction, when I think too deeply about it, has seemed weird to me since we started. It just seems like humanity should have scienced ourselves out of doing it all the old fashioned way by now.

The weirdest (still using that word, it’s all weird!) part now is the idea that I can’t turn it off. I feel like a novelty, a pregnant woman, as I go through everyday life things like working and shopping. I went clothes shopping last week and found out that maternity jeans fit me perfectly! I went to a party dressed in maternity jeans and a maternity t-shirt – practically the pregnant woman’s uniform – and started to get a little self-conscious about whether I should look this pregnant this soon, when I still have months more of looking pregnant to build up to.

I can’t turn off that “look at me, I’m pregnant!” feeling I feel like I’m projecting whether I want to or not.

The good news is I’m finally feeling that reassuring movement I’ve been waiting for. This built up gradually, from lots of rumbling that I was pretty sure was mostly gas or other intestinal stuff with some baby movement possibly disguised in there, to lots of rumbling that I’m pretty sure is the baby moving with some occasional gas mixed in.

I went along to band practice tonight and the baby was actually kicking while Andrew was singing. I could feel it with my hand from the outside, but I didn’t want to interrupt the song to show him. (Also because I knew it would stop as soon as I tried.)

But again, it seems weird I first started feeling this while I was at work. This wonderful miracle thing happening inside of me, but I can’t turn it off until a more appropriate time to appreciate it.

Also, I’m still not entirely sure I consented to having an alien growing inside of me.

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