[Edit: I just saw that I had already written the story of Cameron’s ER visit below, but I’m going to keep this post as-is anyway. Consider it a recap.]<\/p>\n
I never actually wrote on social media about Cameron’s upcoming hernia surgery. It wasn’t intentional, but after the moment passed, mentioning an ER visit seemed a little too attention-grabbing, even with the cute pictures of Cameron in his hospital gown, watching Curious George.<\/p>\n
Cameron had been sick, a bad cold, which is ultimately unrelated but the way the story goes relates them in my head. You know he’s for-real sick when Cameron wants<\/i> to sleep, and after napping through the afternoon on Shannon’s couch, he continued to sleep on my lap at home. But getting him to bed turned into a screaming match while we tried to wrestle his pants off to get his nighttime diaper on. When we got his pants off something was obviously wrong – his testicles were completely lopsided with one looking outright deflated<\/i>. (And I apologize to future-Cameron for talking about his testicles on the internet, but present-Cameron still has no issue with public nudity.)<\/p>\n
We fought his pants back on and packed up to go to Urgent Care. Andrew had looked up the wait time ahead of time and we were prepared for a wait but it turns out testicle issues are the way to get fast-tracked to the front of the line. (Don’t try this at home.) Someone was ready to take us back before we had even finished the intake questions.<\/p>\n
We ended up being referred to the ER for an ultrasound, also fast-tracked to the front. On the way out the nurse wished us good luck and “Hopefully it’s just a hernia.” ‘A hernia is the good<\/b> result?’ I thought. Turns out the true emergency situation they were concerned out is testicular torsion, and Cameron does in fact have a hernia, just like his dad at the same age.<\/p>\n
The funny thing is I’d been so concerned about all of the issues he might inherit from me (and reassured myself with the thought that it’s unlikely for him to get *everything* wrong with me), while Andrew has a practically clean bill of health, and this is what happens.<\/p>\n
Thankfully this non-emergency situation meant I could delay his surgery until Spring Break so he won’t have to miss any preschool.<\/p>\n
I was hoping that writing all of my anxieties about the surgery will get them out of my head, but when I try they retreat and feel too silly. The rest of the time they are bombarding me with ‘what if’s.
\nWhat if…<\/p>\n
He sneaks a Cheerio off the floor without us knowing, aspirates during surgery. He doesn’t die, but he’s without oxygen for too long and has brain damage. The Cameron we bring home isn’t the same Cameron we went to the hospital with. There’s a giant purple Easter egg I’m hiding in the closet but he’s still caught sight of and I’ve told him “That’s a surprise, pretend you didn’t see it.” Now he doesn’t remember it at all and Easter surprises are meaningless.<\/p>\n
What if…<\/p>\n
The unthinkable happens and our baby dies. One in a million chance but someone has to be that ‘one’. <\/p>\n
What if…<\/p>\n
I go to work to make up the day I’m going to miss and instead and miss my last chance to be with him.<\/p>\n
What if…<\/p>\n
He misses out on dying Easter eggs because I kept putting it off and decided to save it as an after-surgery sit-down activity.<\/p>\n
What if…<\/p>\n
Would we keep trying to have another baby if we lost our first?<\/p>\n
What if…<\/p>\n
If we had another boy, could we just name him Cameron II?<\/p>\n
(Sorry, dark humor helps me cope…)<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
[Edit: I just saw that I had already written the story of Cameron’s ER visit below, but I’m going to keep this post as-is anyway. Consider it a recap.] I never actually wrote on social media about Cameron’s upcoming hernia … Continue reading